13 Simple Rules.
I've taken it upon myself to compile a short list of rules of etiquette for my fellow gym patrons. Apparently, it is a widely held belief that a communal shower/locker room is to be treated precisely like one's own home. I sincerely believe that if we all stick to these few simple directives, the gym experience will be vastly improved for everyone.
1. Old Spice is not ok boys. For anyone. Ever. Particularly when applied in excessive quantities in a suffocatingly humid locker room and allowed to waft into common areas. This also applies to the ladies - perfume is so 1992 anyway. If you chose to spritz, do so in the out of doors.
2. While extreme modesty is a hindrance to general locker room fluidity and efficiency, there are limits to the nakedness your fellow gym-goers should be expected to endure (e.g. do not wildly blow-dry your hair while topless or apply mascara without first concealing your pimply ass in a good clean pair of undies).
3. Do not, under any circumstances, sing songs (christmas or otherwise) while applying your makeup.
4. Have some self-respect and put a towel under your ass when you sit on the gnarly locker room benches. Your momma doesn't work here and those trashy girls with the bad tattoos are probably slowly infesting the place with any number of small, angry bugs.
5. If you must thoroughly lotion your chestal region, please do it discretely and wipe that smile off your face while you do so.
6. Don't try to make friends with others in the locker room. We're all trying to make it out the door on time (fully clothed) and we don't care about your upcoming trip to the south of Spain or about your new smoothie recipe.
7. Upon arrival, try to choose a locker sufficiently far from already-occupied lockers to lessen morning gridlock. If you need help figuring out the ideal location for your locker, here's a handy tip: use the other lockers as your guide (the ones with locks on them already have stuff in them which means at some point, the owners of their contents will be utilizing the space directly in front of, and perhaps on either side of, those particular lockers).
8. If you can't pull yourself away from the irritating morning news programs inevitably blasting throughout the room, at least find an out-of-the-way spot from which to stare blankly at the screen. Do not position yourself dead center in the middle of the room. This forces others to maneuver around you.
9. If you really must breathe heavily or make anything that can be interpreted as a grunting or heaving sound while toweling off, you have deeper issues and should restrict your bathing activities to the comfort of your own home.
10. If you have to question whether your attire &/or bathing suit is gym-appropriate, leave it at home and stick with shorts and a t-shirt. Bikinis of the string variety are not generally advised.
11. Eat your breakfast either before or after your visit to the gym. As much as you might be enjoying that Lara Bar, please bear in mind that no one wants to hear/watch/smell you eat it at 7 in the morning.
12. If you suspect a fellow locker room occupant may not be of your same sex, give that person the benefit of the doubt. Avoid pronouncing loudly that there is a man in the women's locker room until you are certain that this is the case. Think about the likelihood of this scenario and then weigh your resulting conclusion against your poor vision and utter lack of respect for others.
13. And always remember: there's nothing funny about locker room safety.